By Brody Levesque (Washington DC) Mar 4 | Not long ago I had a comment on BN&S that intrigued me & inspired me to trace back to its source. Once there, I was and am still very much captivated by its author, a Solicitor-Blogger from San Diego, California. In a series of e-mails and phone calls following my discovery, he & I have established an excellent working relationship that holds great promise for enriching both of our sites.
Rob Donaldson has great personal dignity, tremendous faith, and a sharp intellectual outlook that makes him a valued addition to Brody's Notes & Scribbles. His "day-job" is at Scrumcentral and I urge all of you to visit and then bookmark Rob's blogspot as a must read and of course please join me in welcoming his voice here.
Enter Stage Right
By Rob Donaldson (San Diego, California) Mar 4 | It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a guy who travels on business as much as I do must be in want of a life. After seeing "Up In The Air," some of my friends even started calling me Mr. Clooney. But actually it's not quite true. See, I have a great life. Certainly an unorthodox one, the last couple of years particularly. A total transformation, in fact.Last time, we flew right over the place where I grew up. I could see the house. The few square miles that were my whole world as a boy looked pretty small from way up there. It was the classic suburban California life; Disneyland and the beach practically in the back yard, no snow, a busy, active Mormon family whose life centered on each other and the church. Almost idyllic.
Until I turned thirteen and disaster struck. One day my friends were talking about which girls were cutest, and I suddenly realized I was far more interested in which one of my friends was cutest. Uh oh. This wasn't good. Though cracks are appearing in the walls, the Mormon cultural fortress remains a bastion of homophobia, which many Mormons still accept as The Divinely Ordained Order of Things.
So what does a faithful Mormon gay boy do to protect himself from his own people? He buries himself in the closet, that's what he does. He fights like crazy to kill off this part of himself, never daring even to speak of it. He dutifully goes off on his 2 year mission (where he falls seriously in love for the first time in his life, and not with a local girl, either), comes back, goes to BYU, does his best to find a girl he feels he can love enough to marry. And he finds her, embarks on a career, kids, the classic Mormon Life Map. All the while convinced that in order to be good enough in God's eyes he has to play the role of the straight guy until his dying day. He splits his soul in two, becomes Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide in the Closet.
But along the way that faithful Mormon gay boy also discovers that fighting his true self doesn't work, that he's miserable, that conversion therapy is a joke, a fraud. Finally, after his marriage ends for other reasons, one day something--God, inspiration, who knows what--practically shoves him into the light and for the first time in his life, he takes a deep breath and tells someone else "I'm gay." And from that point on, my friends, nothing is the same, ever again. Like I said, total transformation.
When you carry lots of big heavy suitcases through an airport and finally set them down, you feel light enough to almost float into the air, right? It was like that, times a hundred. When I said those two words, a weight I never knew I was carrying suddenly lifted from my shoulders. For weeks afterward I would spontaneously start to laugh from the sheer joy of relief and freedom. Of honesty. Of no longer having my heart torn in two by a silent hurricane inside. The world was brighter. I smiled all the time. Even my kids noticed and said Dad, you're different since you came out. You're calmer, happier, kinder, not stressed all the time anymore. We like this new Dad.
None of that has gone away. Sixteen months later the world is still just as bright, and I am even happier. Blogging has brought me dozens of new friends to love and care for, a cause to fight for, an increasingly confident voice, and now an invitation from Brody Levesque to join him here in speaking truth to a wider audience than ever before. So, gentle reader, it's a pleasure to meet you. Look for me to pop up here again from time to time.
In case you're wondering, yes I do disagree with some current policies of the corporate institution known as the Mormon Church, and I may talk about those later. But the fundamentals of my Christian faith are still strong. Trying to live by those basics has been a huge benefit throughout my life, and I see no conflict between them and my identity as a gay man, father, brother, uncle or friend. In fact, I strongly believe coming out has made me more of a genuine Christian than ever before. I'm told that's unusual in the gay world, but it's worked for me. Maybe later I'll explain how and why.
I look forward to the time when I can settle back at home for longer stretches without the cabin crews recognizing me on sight. But meantime, there are still benefits to traveling. Because damn, some of those flight attendants are really cute. Hey, Brian, could I have a refill on my Coke? And where did you say you lived? Hey, me too! Hmmm . . .
So what does a faithful Mormon gay boy do to protect himself from his own people? He buries himself in the closet, that's what he does. He fights like crazy to kill off this part of himself, never daring even to speak of it. He dutifully goes off on his 2 year mission (where he falls seriously in love for the first time in his life, and not with a local girl, either), comes back, goes to BYU, does his best to find a girl he feels he can love enough to marry. And he finds her, embarks on a career, kids, the classic Mormon Life Map. All the while convinced that in order to be good enough in God's eyes he has to play the role of the straight guy until his dying day. He splits his soul in two, becomes Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide in the Closet.
But along the way that faithful Mormon gay boy also discovers that fighting his true self doesn't work, that he's miserable, that conversion therapy is a joke, a fraud. Finally, after his marriage ends for other reasons, one day something--God, inspiration, who knows what--practically shoves him into the light and for the first time in his life, he takes a deep breath and tells someone else "I'm gay." And from that point on, my friends, nothing is the same, ever again. Like I said, total transformation.
When you carry lots of big heavy suitcases through an airport and finally set them down, you feel light enough to almost float into the air, right? It was like that, times a hundred. When I said those two words, a weight I never knew I was carrying suddenly lifted from my shoulders. For weeks afterward I would spontaneously start to laugh from the sheer joy of relief and freedom. Of honesty. Of no longer having my heart torn in two by a silent hurricane inside. The world was brighter. I smiled all the time. Even my kids noticed and said Dad, you're different since you came out. You're calmer, happier, kinder, not stressed all the time anymore. We like this new Dad.
None of that has gone away. Sixteen months later the world is still just as bright, and I am even happier. Blogging has brought me dozens of new friends to love and care for, a cause to fight for, an increasingly confident voice, and now an invitation from Brody Levesque to join him here in speaking truth to a wider audience than ever before. So, gentle reader, it's a pleasure to meet you. Look for me to pop up here again from time to time.
In case you're wondering, yes I do disagree with some current policies of the corporate institution known as the Mormon Church, and I may talk about those later. But the fundamentals of my Christian faith are still strong. Trying to live by those basics has been a huge benefit throughout my life, and I see no conflict between them and my identity as a gay man, father, brother, uncle or friend. In fact, I strongly believe coming out has made me more of a genuine Christian than ever before. I'm told that's unusual in the gay world, but it's worked for me. Maybe later I'll explain how and why.
I look forward to the time when I can settle back at home for longer stretches without the cabin crews recognizing me on sight. But meantime, there are still benefits to traveling. Because damn, some of those flight attendants are really cute. Hey, Brian, could I have a refill on my Coke? And where did you say you lived? Hey, me too! Hmmm . . .
Rob Donaldson is a new guest columnist for Brody's Notes & Scribbles. By day he works as a technology lawyer for at least one company that others would recognize and tries to keep up with his kids. By night he blogs at scrumcentral.blogspot.com and pretends to practice his German by watching Christian & Olli clips on Youtube.
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