Florida Outlaws Sex Effective October 1, 2011

By Brody Levesque | Washington DC -- Normally, a good deal of the legislation passed by lawmakers in the various bodies around the United States barely registers on the "Do you believe that those morons passed...." scale. Frankly, its boring, oh and I speak with authority on this topic for as you see a major component of my profession revolves around attending endless hearings, briefings, press conferences, and sessions where lawmakers posture, screech, horse-trade, yell, fuss, fret, and finally pass laws. Its a messy process and rarely are the products of the efforts humorous not to mention the methods by which those products come to fruition.

But, there are exceptions and the genius lawmakers in the State of Florida have managed to pass a seriously funny piece of legislation and signed into law by the governor that does more than protect its intended audience or is that benefit a certain group of constituents?

Ancient Greek sodomizing a goat, plate XVII from 'De Figuris Veneris' by F.K. Forberg',
illustrated by Édouard-Henri Avril.

It seems that a goat suffered a traumatic & life altering attack upon its dignity and apparently its virginity not long ago in central Florida. Now, the assailant was not another goat- no, the rapist in fact had no fur to speak of, for you see the assailant was human. Poor goat....

Anyway, the good people of the State of Florida when sending their elected officials to Tallahassee over lo these many decades, apparently forgot to tell lawmakers that they wanted furry fornication outlawed. So, yup, you guessed it, sex with "Billy" the goat was legal. Of course one wonders if erotic alligator wrestling was in the same category?

In any event, morally outraged legislators decided that "Billy" needed to be protected. There was one small problem with that though....

To explain why, here is Andrew, the Southern Fried Scientist, from the University Of North Carolina's Wilmington campus:

Question: If your elected officials fail basic taxonomy, promote anti-science curriculum, and consistently attempt to undermine the fundamental unpinning of all biology, what happens when they start trying to legislate from this flawed view of reality?

The answer is this poorly-worded miasma of a law recently passed in Florida, which presumably was designed to prevent bestiality and promote animal welfare, but which has actually made it illegal, effective October 1, 2011, for anyone to have sex in Florida.

Here is the actual wording of the statue as passed by Florida's Legislators:

"An act relating to sexual activities involving animals; creating s. 828.126, F.S.; providing definitions; prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal; prohibiting specified related activities; providing penalties; providing that the act does not apply to certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices; providing an effective date."

Yup, pretty clear eh? No sex for homo sapiens. [ Here's the link. ]

Oh and the puritans defined sexual contact as:

"Sexual contact" means any contact, however slight, between the mouth, sex organ, or anus of a person and the sex organ or anus of an animal, or any penetration, however slight, of any part of the body of the person into the sex organ or anus of an animal, or any penetration of the sex organ or anus of the person into the mouth of the animal, for the purpose of sexual gratification or sexual arousal of the person."

Andrew was gracious enough to provide the graphic below for the lawmakers to study. He adds:

"So if you’re living in Florida on October 1, 2011 and would like to have sexual intercourse with a consenting adult, please check with your veterinarian or local livestock breeder first to make sure you abide by ”accepted animal husbandry practices, conformation judging practices, or accepted veterinary medical practices.”

I don't know about you folks, but I am now firmly convinced that Florida is populated by aliens.