Des Downunder On Sundays

By Des Rutherford, Adelaide, Australia- The Atheist's Easter

Like it or not atheists and agnostics are subjected to the Easter story and the carrying-ons of its promoters, in particular those who adhere to the notion that their nation was founded on Christian notations.

For my secular sermon this Easter Sunday, I ask you to indulge my attempts to examine the enigma of the existence of Jesus Christ, and the overwhelming lack of evidence for the Christ story outside of Biblical texts. Did he actually exist? Where is the proof?

Far be it for me to disparage anyone's religion, since I support freedom of religion, opinion and expression, but just maybe it is time for we, the atheists, the agnostics, and the people of sceptical reason to enlighten our lives with a little humour, satire if you like. If you find such things a little too biting, or the irony escapes you, you might be better advised to stop reading now, and go make a nice cup of tea. Otherwise, let's break out those messy chocolate Easter eggs to munch on while we investigate our hopefully liberal mirthful musings.

There do not seem to be any astronomical grounds to show that a star, a comet or a UFO moved across the sky and stopped over a stable whilst shepherds watched their flocks by night. This may mean that the three kings had camels fitted with some kind of GPS which zeroed in on newly born Messiahs.

A census for tax purposes, reports of which are inconsistent, is said to have caused the Holiday Inns of the day to be so full, that pregnant women had to give birth to their babes in barns. Why not go to the local hospital, didn't they have health insurance? Did the midwife arrive in time to help? Did Joseph boil water?

Where is the record of Herod's decree to kill first born male children? Missing in action, is it?

What happened to the travel papers for Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus, crossing the borders between Egypt, Bethlehem and Nazareth. Were they stopped by border guards as suspicious illegal immigrants? Were their passports confiscated? Did they forget to renew their visas? Did they get the pat down or a full body search?

Where are Jesus' apprenticeship papers and his licence to be a carpenter? Did he have a green card? Did unions object to him having a second job? What were his rates? Is it true that his long service vacation leave was forty days and forty nights, during which he had a devil of a time?

Why aren't there any reports of Jesus being investigated for practising healing without a medical licence, or for using unorthodox treatments on pre-existing illnesses?

Where is the record of a permit for Jesus to feed thousands of people with a fish, a loaf of bread, and then ply them with wine. Are there any records of him calling a camel service to get the drunken sods home? Was no one arrested for being drunk and disorderly? That might qualify as something of a miracle.

Who catered for the Last Supper? Where is the receipt? Who paid the tip? Is it true a full bodied wine was served?

And why is there no record of the arrest warrant for Jesus Christ? It is said that Judas identified Jesus to the arresting soldiers by kissing him. If it was an accepted custom to kiss a man in a public garden back then, even a man claiming to be God, why today can't gays kiss in public, those willing men whom they think are gods?

Why are there no court records of Jesus Christ's trials under Herod, or Pontius Pilate. The Romans left plenty of documents about Kings called Herod, and there were lots of Herods. Strange there is no mention of a Jesus being called out as a challenger to the King (another Herod) by the Pharisees, and then crucified by the Romans.

Why no record of a death panel pardoning a prisoner called Barabbas rather than freeing Jesus?

There do not seem to be any papers, stone tablets, or scrolls which transferred the ownership of a tomb from a rich merchant to a recently crucified man. Sounds like an illegal land deal to me.

Why is there no evidence of the veil being torn in the Jewish temple. Was it one of the veils that Salome used in her dance routine for Herod so she could get John to lose his head? Did Salome actually perform a dance with seven veils, or did Oscar Wilde invent it to delight 19th Century audiences? Was John a southern Baptist, or did he come from the middle east?

What we do have is the Bible, which clearly sets up the Pauline scheme (St. Paul) for building a mega-church organisation to make huge amounts of money by ripping off the poor and gaining power over the ignorant through intimidation and fear.

This is a proven method for making lots of money, tax free.

But the really big question, that just has to be asked, leading up to Easter, is where is Jesus Christ's birth certificate?

Could it be in Hawaii?

I guess not, but I bet it would show that Jesus wasn't born in the USA, so we can forget about Him qualifying for being elected President.

Of course there is always the possibility that the birth certificate has been hidden because it reveals that Jesus had two fathers. However, the early years of Jesus' life seem to have been lost behind a wall built up around them, requiring a focus on family research and counselling to reveal what kind of notional organisation of marriage the dads, and Mary, had...if any of them even existed. (The marriage certificate must have been interesting; hmm, one god, one man, and one woman. Sounds like such a marriage might be an entertaining diversion, although it's probably more satisfying to settle down with one disciple devoted to diversity.)

At Easter there is also the whole question of Jesus being born again. Does that mean we should be looking for a second birth certificate? We haven't even found the first one.

I'd ask about his death certificate, but it seems rather irrelevant if we can't find his birth certificates.

Did the Easter Bunny conceal it in an as yet undiscovered Easter egg?

Anyway, Happy Athe ister, and don't worry about a little chocolate on your face; it can be a wonderful reason for someone to kiss you and so resurrect your humanity.