Palo Alto, California based Writer & Comedian Ethan August, gives his spin on the DADT compromise & current political atmosphere surrounding the ongoing debate in Washington. August holds a degree in Psychology and has volunteered for numerous LGBT non-profits. His blog, This-Gay-Life, features his own comedic and politically incorrect commentary on Gay life, politics, movies and other interesting events. He is working on his first book, a collection of comical short stories on some of the most serious and hilarious Gay issues.
Photo By Getty ImagesBy Ethan August (Palo Alto, California) May 26 | It never ceases to amaze me that the world’s most powerful country is so far behind the curve on Gay issues. Most of our allies already allow Gays to serve in the military and some even allow Gays to get married and/or adopt children. England has even gone so far as to elect first openly Gay Prime Minister – David Cameron.
Yet the United States of America is still arguing about letting Gay people sign up and be killed – willingly. This raises an important question… Why in the hell do Gay people want to sign up to die for a country that doesn’t provide them with equal rights? I might go fight for the Netherlands, but not a country that treats us like second class citizens.
If I was on the front line before a battle and General Petraeus came riding along on his white pony like Braveheart That would get me fired up sir!”. yelling about freedom - I’d raise my hand and say…
I think all the Gay people in the military should submit their resignations and apply tomorrow at the Gap, you'd get paid more money. It would seriously cripple our nation’s ability to wage war and I think it would bring a lot of idiots to their senses. I’m certain there is at least one right wing strategist in a board room somewhere saying “Let them join up for the military! More of them will die.” Yet we cower and beg. Do you know what a person that works as hard as the others do but has no civil rights is called? A slave.
Before I would go to war for our country, a few things would need to change…
It goes without saying that we should be able to marry, adopt children, have sex legally in all states, and not be discriminated against in the workplace prior to risking our lives in a conflict.
Since the military is so worried about how the straight soldiers may react, we would need to implement sensitivity training. If you wanted to join the military you would first be required to do a tour of duty at Disneyland. It’s the Gayest place on earth! Plus, if you can handle those crowds, you can babysit the rest of the world. It takes a lot of exposure to large crowds of non-American Asians to develop patience – no better place than Disneyland!
We would then need to assign a bottom to every unit. I mean if I’m going to go fight for this nation, in the heat, and the dust, with bad food, little water, no makeup, and ugly retarded guys from Alabama who joined for the dental plan – there had better damned well be a bottom in my unit. We already allow women in the military, which is good for the straight guys, fair is only fair! Just for the record, I don’t wear makeup unless I’m on television or there is really bad lighting at a club I’m going too. I don’t want half my readership to abandon me.
Next, we would have to create a new ultra elite fighting force called Tops Delta. You would have to be a top to fight in this unit. They would be responsible for rescuing Gay prisoners of war, which would need to be a top priority. You don’t even have to torture queens and they’ll tell you everything you want to know, we’d have to get them out quick. They would also be responsible for interrogating straight prisoners –
Last, every Gay service member would be entitled to an additional 15% pay increase. After the military shuts down its Department of Witch Hunts and Persecution they will save tens of millions of dollars per year. Let’s think of it as reparations. In addition, Gays take extremely good care of their uniforms, which is a huge cost savings for the military. We iron them, we never get them dirty and we can sew. Even though I’m not in the military, I have 4 military uniforms that I’ve worn at various times throughout the week for the last 10 years – all in perfect condition. There is also all the cost savings on armaments! Gay people aren’t as gung ho about shooting everything up. Do we really need to put 100 bullets in that thing? We can probably get by with five. I'm all about smart bombs - never let them see you cumming! We’ll be lucky if the bottoms can even pull the trigger.
Don’t get me wrong - I like driving Hummers, playing soldier, shooting people up and getting shot at just as much as any other top – that’s why I play paintball. You get the same adrenaline high, but you don’t have to die as a slave. If you’re Gay and in the military, first – I love you! Please send me your picture! But don’t try to tell me that you’re serving your country. You’re serving yourself. You have a job, structure, a career path, super duper uniforms, and you ENJOY the military or need it for college tuition and poor medical coverage. An ex-boyfriend of mine died in Haiti. If I was his partner then, would I have received the same benefits as a wife? Or even been notified of his death? No.
We’ve simply put the cart before the horse here… instead of begging for the right to die, we should be bringing the military infrastructure to its knees and showing them that the need us. I received an email from the Human Rights Campaign today asking me to write my Senator about this policy (which is what started this tirade). I wrote them and I said “ Please don’t vote for this until we have civil rights”. If you’re brave enough to die for your country, you’re brave enough to hand in your resignation and do something for the good of your community. Dan Choi has chained himself to the fence of the White House TWICE – what have you done?
Yet the United States of America is still arguing about letting Gay people sign up and be killed – willingly. This raises an important question… Why in the hell do Gay people want to sign up to die for a country that doesn’t provide them with equal rights? I might go fight for the Netherlands, but not a country that treats us like second class citizens.
If I was on the front line before a battle and General Petraeus came riding along on his white pony like Braveheart That would get me fired up sir!”. yelling about freedom - I’d raise my hand and say…
“um sir, excuse me sir, yes over here, the guy with the feather in his helmet. You just mentioned freedom, but I’m Gay, that’s not very inspiring. Could you have Jake Gyllenhaal ride by on another horse, naked, shouting about a free weekend pass to the White Party and that there are lots of bottoms in Heaven?"I mean really… what would WE Gays be fighting for? To possibly liberate another country so they can treat their Gays like second class citizens and deny them equal rights? To enable them to fire people just for being Gay? To make it illegal in some parts of their country to adopt children if their Gay? To make some forms of Gay sex illegal in some parts their country? These aren’t values I want to be propagating around the world. When I think about our highly qualified, highly educated, highly skilled and employable Gay citizens marching off to their deaths in hopes that someday this will change, I become infuriated. Seriously, I start foaming at the mouth. Note to potential partners: Do not bring this up on the first date.
I think all the Gay people in the military should submit their resignations and apply tomorrow at the Gap, you'd get paid more money. It would seriously cripple our nation’s ability to wage war and I think it would bring a lot of idiots to their senses. I’m certain there is at least one right wing strategist in a board room somewhere saying “Let them join up for the military! More of them will die.” Yet we cower and beg. Do you know what a person that works as hard as the others do but has no civil rights is called? A slave.
Before I would go to war for our country, a few things would need to change…
It goes without saying that we should be able to marry, adopt children, have sex legally in all states, and not be discriminated against in the workplace prior to risking our lives in a conflict.
Since the military is so worried about how the straight soldiers may react, we would need to implement sensitivity training. If you wanted to join the military you would first be required to do a tour of duty at Disneyland. It’s the Gayest place on earth! Plus, if you can handle those crowds, you can babysit the rest of the world. It takes a lot of exposure to large crowds of non-American Asians to develop patience – no better place than Disneyland!
We would then need to assign a bottom to every unit. I mean if I’m going to go fight for this nation, in the heat, and the dust, with bad food, little water, no makeup, and ugly retarded guys from Alabama who joined for the dental plan – there had better damned well be a bottom in my unit. We already allow women in the military, which is good for the straight guys, fair is only fair! Just for the record, I don’t wear makeup unless I’m on television or there is really bad lighting at a club I’m going too. I don’t want half my readership to abandon me.
Next, we would have to create a new ultra elite fighting force called Tops Delta. You would have to be a top to fight in this unit. They would be responsible for rescuing Gay prisoners of war, which would need to be a top priority. You don’t even have to torture queens and they’ll tell you everything you want to know, we’d have to get them out quick. They would also be responsible for interrogating straight prisoners –
“Listen…Muhammed Akbar Bin Laden or whatever your name is, we need to know everything now or you’re going to be able to tell your grandchildren about your personal experience of Sodom and Gomorrah”.In peace time, they’d be responsible for decorating bases and in charge of military parades. No more boring tanks coming down the street! You throw a few drag queens on those things and the parade would really get exciting, especially if the straight guys couldn’t tell them apart from real women. Madonna would have to be in charge of all Gay forces, we already do everything she commands. Plenty of Gays are dying from overdoses on the dance floors to her music, so I’m certain we’d go to war for her. Thank God she’s not wearing denim and kissing the feet of black religious figures anymore! I did it then, but it would hurt now.
Last, every Gay service member would be entitled to an additional 15% pay increase. After the military shuts down its Department of Witch Hunts and Persecution they will save tens of millions of dollars per year. Let’s think of it as reparations. In addition, Gays take extremely good care of their uniforms, which is a huge cost savings for the military. We iron them, we never get them dirty and we can sew. Even though I’m not in the military, I have 4 military uniforms that I’ve worn at various times throughout the week for the last 10 years – all in perfect condition. There is also all the cost savings on armaments! Gay people aren’t as gung ho about shooting everything up. Do we really need to put 100 bullets in that thing? We can probably get by with five. I'm all about smart bombs - never let them see you cumming! We’ll be lucky if the bottoms can even pull the trigger.
Don’t get me wrong - I like driving Hummers, playing soldier, shooting people up and getting shot at just as much as any other top – that’s why I play paintball. You get the same adrenaline high, but you don’t have to die as a slave. If you’re Gay and in the military, first – I love you! Please send me your picture! But don’t try to tell me that you’re serving your country. You’re serving yourself. You have a job, structure, a career path, super duper uniforms, and you ENJOY the military or need it for college tuition and poor medical coverage. An ex-boyfriend of mine died in Haiti. If I was his partner then, would I have received the same benefits as a wife? Or even been notified of his death? No.
We’ve simply put the cart before the horse here… instead of begging for the right to die, we should be bringing the military infrastructure to its knees and showing them that the need us. I received an email from the Human Rights Campaign today asking me to write my Senator about this policy (which is what started this tirade). I wrote them and I said “ Please don’t vote for this until we have civil rights”. If you’re brave enough to die for your country, you’re brave enough to hand in your resignation and do something for the good of your community. Dan Choi has chained himself to the fence of the White House TWICE – what have you done?
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