Des DownUnder On Sundays

New Year's Greetings from Australia. Des is on holiday and will return next Sunday but BN&S' intrepid Dutch-Canadian columnist and editor from British Columbia steps in with this wonderful bit of satire and parody for your enjoyment.

The Triplets

By Bart Vogelzang | VANCOUVER ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA -- It had been years since the triplets had been born, and they were now changing dramatically as they aged. Like most newborns, they had had many of the same initial characteristics, needing food, drink, and above all, attention. However, as time went on, they developed their own personalities, with particular likes, needs, and idiosyncrasies. Larry, Moe, and Curly were totally devoted to thoughts of their father, and in his absence they never seemed to think about anything else.

They had heard many stories about him, and they had even found some written stuff, although that had obviously been written some time after the stories were supposed to have taken place. They were told he’d left them some rules to follow as they grew up, but were a bit flummoxed by the ambiguities they presented, as none were all that clear in meaning. Each of them decided exactly which of the stories and rules he preferred to take to heart, and couldn’t help disparage the others by repeatedly poking them in the eye, bashing them over the head, and of course make snide remarks about the others’ sanity.

Based on his own best interest, each was learning not only to defend his ideas about their father’s rules, but discovering that attacking the others’ ideas was a good tactic. Soon each was recruiting a friend, or even more than one, to his own way of thought, and their disagreements became ever more intense. As the numbers of their friends grew, their arguments became ferocious conflicts, with injuries and even deaths.

Eventually they each became convinced that their interpretation of the rules was better than that of the others, and they felt infinitely superiority to those who didn’t see a need to acknowledge the rules at all.

With his absence, they couldn’t even get their father to support them in their extreme enthusiasm, even though they continually tried to call him to do so. Their buddies convinced them that each was the only one who followed the rules correctly, and in the absence of any correction from their dad, they felt increasingly that they were right in their interpretations; those thoughts being supported by the ever larger amounts of money they were getting from their supporters.

One day though, their father, who had been monitoring them for some time, wondering and hoping that they’d get their acts together without correction, had had enough of their pettiness, their sanctimony, and their self-serving ways, and decided to smite them where it would hurt them the most; their egos.

He chose to give them homosexual sons and daughters, so that over time they would cease to reproduce, and their camps would each diminish. Sadly, their own egos were so twisted with their self-importance that they chose to persecute their own children; actual Children of, and ‘in the image’, of the Father. He forever caused Larry, Moe, and Curly, and each of their followers, to be banned from His Heaven, banished them all to an Everlasting Hell of poking each other in the eyes.