Brody's Scribbles... Dreaming Of DADT

Palo Alto, California based Writer & Comedian Ethan August, gives his spin on life, being Gay, politics, & the current political atmosphere surrounding the ongoing debates in Washington. August holds a degree in Psychology and has volunteered for numerous LGBT non-profits. His blog, This-Gay-Life, features his own comedic and politically incorrect commentary on Gay life, politics, movies and other interesting events. He is working on his first book, a collection of comical short stories on some of the most serious and hilarious Gay issues.

By Ethan August (Palo Alto, California) OCT 21 | It was one of those brutal “Indian Summer” days in Northern California and I was loudly humming the Katy Perry song California Gurls and writing away on another project when I heard the news.  A Federal Judge has ruled DADT unconstitutional.  I was immediately whisked away to an elaborate day dream. I was the White House Aide who answered the phone call from California informing the administration of the landmark legal ruling. It went something like this:

Me: Thanks for calling the White House! Home of Barack Obama - champion of all things right and just. This is Ethan how may I help you?

Caller: Hello, this is the United States worst attorney calling. I need to speak with President Obama.

Me: Ummm Hmmm. President Obama is busy, can I take a message (rolling my eyes.)

Caller: Yes. Please tell him that a Federal Court just ruled Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell unconstitutional. His plan worked. We used the actual right-wing arguments to defend DADT in court and as we suspected – no sane judge in their right mind could rule it constitutional. We didn’t even need to burn the Bible in the middle of the courtroom so I’m sending this one back via overnight courier. Tell him the best part is – we don’t even have to make a decision on an appeal until after the mid-term elections.

Me: OMG! OMG! OMG! Are you serious? This isn’t the National Organization for Marriage crank calling again is it? Just so you know, it’s a federal crime to crank call the White House. I will personally hunt your fat, white, Christian ass down and bring you to justice.

Caller: No it isn’t.

Me: OMG! OMG! OMG! (handset drops to the floor)

Caller: Hello?

At this point I was skipping around the war room high-fiving all the other hot male White House Aides. Then I headed down the hall to tell President Obama.

Secret Service: Excuse me sir or um ma’am… you can’t come in here.

Me: That’s not what you said last night! (Obnoxious laugh)

Secret Service: Bitch please! You know President Obama is busy fighting for all things right and just, he can’t be bothered.

Me: This is a matter of national security! I must inform the President that the best, brightest and hottest in our country can now serve their country without fear of discrimination or discharge. Now that the over 60,000 Gay and Lesbian U.S. troops don’t need to worry about being discharged they can focus their exceptional I.Q.’s on turning around the situation in Afghanistan and other critical areas of national security.

Then the door to the Oval office opened and I skip in.

Me: President Obama! President Obama! OMG! OMG! OMG! I have the utmost important news of the day on national security but before that - if I may sir… Damn this is an awesome rug! Did Michelle design this?

President Obama: Ethan get to the point. I’m busy fighting for everything right and just.

Me: Sorry sir, occasionally my flair for interior decorating overcomes my ability to communicate effectively, my apologies. That’s probably why this whole DADT fight is so difficult in the first place! (obnoxious laugh) Sir, just in case you didn’t connect the dots… I took a line from Steel Magnolia’s – the one about not letting my personal tragedy interfere with my ability to do good hair and I…

President Obama: ETHAN! Get on with it! I’m busy fighting for everything right and just.

Me: Sorry sir, remember that DADT lawsuit in Federal Court in California? The one where we used the right-wing’s own arguments to defend DADT in hopes that reverse psychology or better yet -  intelligence - would prevail in a Federal Court and rule it unconstitutional?

President Obama:  Of course. Did we burn the Bible in the middle of the courtroom Ethan? We really needed to demonstrate that Bibles would actually spontaneously combust and that every Christian would go to Hell if some of the smartest and best looking people on earth were to defend our country in a time of war.

Me: We didn't burn the Bible sir but it worked!  The judge declared DADT unconstitutional. We didn’t even need to burn the Bible. The attorneys are sending it back to you via overnight courier. The best part is that it decreased the carbon footprint of this legal battle tremendously. Not to mention the fact that our opposition can pin the downfall of DADT to one single judge, who has overruled the voters, who elected the people who put DADT in place. Just like they did with the Prop 8 ruling in California! We’ll force them to follow a ridiculous rabbit trail of trying to reform the constitution and the legal system.

President Obama: Indeed. (Mind working furiously) Ethan we could actually really use this in even more ways than I originally planned.

Me: How so sir?

President Obama: As you know, we’re screwed come the mid-term elections. What if we appeal the ruling? Convincing some independents (approximately 1800 nationwide) to vote for us! We could make up a story that we need more time to train the military to be able to handle you Gays even though your already serving in the military and pretty much everyone knows who is Gay and who is not.

Me: Sir, we’ve won. Let me repeat – we’ve won. All we need to do is just not appeal the decision. There is so much news about the economy and Christine O’Donnell that it’ll be yesterday’s news in a heartbeat. Who would believe that argument anyway? Don’t we train these people to use weapons? We trust them with guns but we’re afraid they won’t treat the people they already know are Gay who they are depending on in life or death situations as fellow soldiers?

President Obama: Exactly! They’ll be so much confusion it will really distract the right-wing from the economy.

Me: Sir, if I may – That’s like splitting two kings when you’re playing Blackjack. You don’t split a winning hand sir! People will walk away from the table.  You take the win and you move on to the next hand.  We’re done, this is over – mission accomplished!

President Obama: Call the worst U.S. attorney back… order him to hold on to that Bible.

Me: Sir! Win... right and just... awesome carpet... Steel Magnolia's (wakes up violently)

This is the first installment of a three part series on this issue. The next two installments will not follow this same format. It just seemed fun!