Brody's Notes... On being young & Gay; The Children of the Internet

By Brody Levesque (Washington DC) Oct 11 | (Part Three in an ongoing series.) They are now in their twenties. Many are college students, others have graduated and moved on to starting careers and getting their lives going as fully realised adults. They are 'net' savvy, utilize all technologies available-cell phones, PDAs, netbooks, laptops, and are in constant communication via social networking sites such as YouTube, Facebook or MySpace. They tweet, they text, and they talk in IM or chat. 
For these young adults this is the world they grew up with. The impact of the world wide web and the IT revolution that accompanied it is no keener felt that with this demographic group, and its reach is global.

As I researched and interviewed young people in this group for this series, the constant theme that ran through all of the discussions was; 

“Being Gay & Out or at least knowing there was help and people just like me out there, was solely because of the Internet.”

On October 3rd, 2002, on his fourteenth birthday, Aaron had decided that life simply was not worth living anymore. He was attending a public high school in the American South, and like most high schools, tolerance was neither taught nor enforced. He was a victim of verbal bullying and occasional minor physical assault. The sole reason was his perceived sexuality. Aaron was miserable and in pain and saw no way out of his predicament. For him, the solution was simple, quite final, and had it not been for a pair of jocks, closeted gay ones at that, Aaron's life might have ended as just another grim statistic, another suicide of a gay kid lost to his feelings of hopelessness and despair with no end in sight.

Those two boys slipped an anonymous letter into his locker directing Aaron to a story on a gay literary website and in an aside, letting him know that he wasn't alone. A simple act of kindness that was soon followed by initial contact and then a solid friendship. Aaron's confidence grew and in an incredible act of defiance he stood down his abusers in a 'speech' he rendered on his school bus. Aaron then wrote the following to the author of that inspiring serialized story about gay teens:

"Your saga has given me hope and courage. As an example of my new courage, on Monday afternoon I asked my school bus driver to let me speak to the busload of students. I said to them "I am picked on every day in school and even more on thisbus. Yes, I am gay. I am what you have been calling me. I am a fag, queer, homo and all those other things. I am what I am because I was born this way. If any of you can change that for me, so that I can be like you, then please do. If you can’t do that for me, then please just leave me alone. The bus driver said "That's tellin' 'em, son."  No one picked on me on the ride home that day and none have since, on the bus. The news of what I said must have spread around school because by Friday the harassment had stopped."

What had started out as a private effort to comfort and befriend a hurting young gay high school freshman soon became an organised effort to spread the word to others in that particular school that they were not alone. Aaron and his friends through a series of activities and school events, sanctioned by the school's administration after intense lobbying efforts, encouraged other LGBT students to keep in touch and be in touch with each other for support and assistance by e-mail and chat. By the middle of that school year, the effort had turned into a website that was (and is) called The Mail Crew, and their ongoing educational and supportive e-mail group for their school was called AskUsNow2003.

Seven years later, the website is still known as The Mail Crew, and Aaron, one of the founders, still participates and is active in its daily operations.Today at age twenty-one, and having recently entered the medical school at his university, Aaron has a completely different outlook on his life and is very optimistic about his future as a proud, young, gay man. I recently had an opportunity to interview him, promising to maintain his privacy by not disclosing any personal information other than that which is available on the web pages of The Mail Crew.

BL: Thank you for your acquiescence to be interviewed Aaron.

Aaron: You’re very welcome. I want to point out to your readers that you and I are doing this via email, which is in keeping with The Mail Crew’s long-standing “no in-person interviews” policy. When we started the website, we agreed to a set of safety and privacy rules laid down by our parents. We’re older now, but we feel that by remaining consistent we’re being fair to those who have requested in-person contact in the past. I also want to say that the serialized story you mentioned is known as The Foley-Mashburn Saga, written by Brew Maxwell. It consists of 13 segments that total 220 chapters (more than 3,000 pages), and it’s available on our website, linked from the Stories page, in four different file formats, including eBook formats.

BL: Looking back over at the past seven years, what have been some of the significant changes in American culture or advances in technology that have affected you the most as a young gay person?

Aaron: Brody, when I first read that question I thought, “Whoa! That’s a huge, multi-faceted question.” I tried thinking back over the last seven years, about changes in American culture and in technology. How could I make those subjects apply to me as a gay person? I basically concluded that I couldn’t. Viewing the big picture, the changes in American culture, in world culture, and in technology apply no differently to me, a gay person, than to anyone else. I really feel that way, as a member of Generation Y.
As you pointed out, we’ve grown up with the latest tech gadgets all around us. We have taken a lot of it for granted. The instant, global communication that today’s gay teens and young adults are accustomed to has allowed us to realize that being gay, which I admit can be difficult at times, is neither good nor bad. It just is. It’s simply who we are, or at least a part of who we are. Change applies no more to us than to the rest of the human race. People of all persuasions, races, religions, sexual orientations, etc., have found the comfort of like minds -- through the use of technology. I see it as equal opportunity tech.

BL: Would you agree that the Internet has been critical in terms of your daily life being gay for information or support and assistance from other LGBT youth?

Aaron: I know that the Internet has been extremely helpful to me as a source of information, assistance and support, but I’ve not allowed the Internet to become critical to my daily life. I think it’s unfortunate that more and more teens are becoming involved in social networking, video clip and virtual reality websites to the extent that the Internet actually is critical to their lives. For some, their closest friends are scattered all around the world. Teen social skills are suffering as a result. Our website encourages LGBT and not-sure teens to communicate locally, through school-specific email groups.

BL: Has being active in The Mail Crew made you an activist to stop hatred and bullying?

Aaron: I think your question answers itself. Being active in The Mail Crew and being an activist to stop hatred and bullying are synonymous.

BL: Quite a few of the 20 somethings that I have interviewed feel that the LGBT community is treated as more of a 'Lifestyle' ergo a White-Male-Penis Members Only club, and that the Lesbians, Bisexuals, and especially the Transgendered members of the community are relegated to a secondary or non existent role in things such as adverts, political campaigns, and community issues. Even the Human Rights Campaign has drawn heavy criticism because of the lack of a 'public face' and serious effort on issues regarding Bisexuals and Transgendered by that organisation. Do you agree?

Aaron: If I understand the question, you’re asking if I believe that the straight community sees (and reacts to) a gay male community while failing to see a gay-lesbian-transsexual-bisexual-transgendered-intersexed community. Yes, I do believe that the general public sees a gay community that is lead by the gay male. It’s easier for them politically and economically to cater to or react to a monotone image rather than a rainbow. Seems to be easy for them to dislike that whole rainbow, though. But then, as you implied, some of the problem might be self-inflicted by the gay community. Yeah, see, I said “gay community”. We all do that in conversation. We sometimes, in conversation, say “the gay and lesbian community” or “the lesbian and gay community” but rarely “the LGBT community”. We, too, are leaving out the bisexual and transgendered folks.

BL: The other argument also is almost a campaign theme, “It's NOT about the SEX!” The 20 somethings feel that entirely too much emphasis is placed on the sexual aspects which they argue is but a small percentage of a person's total make-up. They take issue with the barrage of adverts that parade half naked male forms for example in advertising efforts for LGBT events. Do you see this as true and would you care to comment on this?

Aaron: It’s not about the sex? It what? The fact that I’m gay is definitely about the sex. If I were asexual I would be neither gay nor straight. My sexuality is indeed only a part of my total make-up, as you say, but to an advertiser it’s the most distinct/vulnerable/powerful/valuable part of my total makeup. I understand that, and I really have no problem with it. Advertisers constantly play to the sexuality of straight people, too. One of my grandmothers once told me about how shocked her parents were when, in the 1960s I think it was, a television commercial claimed that a certain toothpaste “gives your mouth sex appeal”. I love that.

BL: In 1998, you were ten years old the night that Matthew Shepard was murdered. Do you remember hearing or seeing anything about that case?

Aaron: I do. I remember the TV and newspaper accounts of the events surrounding Matthew Shepard’s murder. That was at about this time of year. My parents and some of their friends mentioned the subject a few times, and later, at Thanksgiving, when my 21-year-old brother was home from college, he made some unkind remarks about Matthew. I knew that Matthew was gay and I knew what that meant. “That’s so gay” had become a common expression at school, but my brother’s comments were probably the first disparaging remarks I had heard directed toward one particular gay person. Being eleven years younger than my only sibling, I didn’t question his judgment at the time.

BL: Since that time, the efforts to 'Erase Hate' have been intensified and the lobby efforts for better protection and laws have resulted in several major changes at a local and state level. Do you think that enough is being done to protect the rights of LGBT Americans and if not, why?

Aaron: I think that we first need more rights, both locally and nationally, and then we can worry about protecting them. We see accelerating progress in some states that are considered liberal, but also even in some of the so-called conservative or “Bible belt” areas. Social change historically takes time, but keeping issues constantly in the forefront – always on the minds of the public – can speed that process, provided we don’t alienate the voters with the tired, old “we’re here, we’re queer” approach. There’ll come a time when human rights are human rights, period.

BL: The New York Times Magazine last Sunday, September 20th, published an article by BENOIT DENIZET-LEWIS, in which he reveals the lives of some middle school gay kids who are out or at least openly bi-sexual by their own admission. These are kids that are 13 or 14 years old. How do you see their world from your perspective as only seven years has passed since you were that age and let's face it, thinking about killing yourself? The follow-up question would be, do you feel as though through your efforts and your peers' efforts, you have collectively made a difference so that those kids can be themselves?

Aaron: I see those kids as beneficiaries of a rapidly-growing inclusion of LGBT people and fictional characters in television programs. Very few shows still have exaggerated, over-the-top fictional gay characters, but are including a variety of LGBT personalities in their storylines. MTV has been wonderful in including gay, lesbian and bi cast members in their reality shows, and last year they included a transgendered cast member in The Real World: Brooklyn. This positive exposure is bringing acceptance, as bigotry and hatred become more and more uncool among teens.

To address your follow-up question: I know that in many individual cases my peers and I have helped kids to want to be themselves, to like who they are. We’ve been successful in helping get email groups started in a number of schools, and those have helped. Although we advocate the formation of local, school-specific email groups, when we’re contacted by students whose schools have no such group and who, for whatever reason, can’t start one, we recommend that they join one of the email groups sponsored by Youth Guardian Services.

BL: What changes would you like to see in the short term and then over a period of time that you feel would greatly contribute to the ease and quality of life as a LGBT person?

Aaron: I would like to see changes in the attitudes of many bigoted, narrow-minded parents, teachers, politicians, clergymen, and others who impact the lives of youngsters. I would like to see those changes now, in the short term, but I have to be realistic. I believe that long-term change will come after the children born to my generation are taught by my generation to be tolerant and accepting. That next generation will grow up having a whole new set of values.

BL: What would you define as the largest obstacle LGBT people face daily? And in your personal life, what is yours?

Aaron: I really don’t feel that I face any large obstacle daily. I have learned to be tolerant of those who show disrespect to me, and that happens less and less frequently. I have learned to live within the rules that exist without letting them be obstacles to my growth and progress as a human being, while I observe the rules being changed for the better. The largest obstacle that I see for LGBT people as a community comes from within: factionalism, or cliquishness.

BL: What changes have you witnessed recently in the LGBT community that are of a trend that you deem is harmful to it?

Aaron: Since coming to college, I’ve had the opportunity to mix and mingle with a lot of GLBT people. I’ll say that the most harmful trend I see, which I’m told is not of recent origin, is the factionalism I mentioned. I see that whether a person is perceived to be “gay-acting” or “straight-acting” can affect his or her social status within subsets of the community. I see other factors, such as age or economic status, as being divisive. I don’t feel a real sense of community, or oneness.

BL: Are you active in your LGBT community on campus? And if not, why?

Aaron: During my undergraduate years I was active in LGBT organizations, and enjoyed them very much, but now that I’ve started med school, I have time only for organizations directly relating to my chosen profession.

BL: Do you define yourself as Gay first? Or do you define yourself as Aaron, who happens to be Gay?

Aaron: I am Aaron, I am a Christian, and I am gay.

BL: Is the website, The Mail Crew important now, even relevant, since there is a proliferation of other venues for LGBT youth to communicate with each other? ie: Facebook, MySpace, YouTube.

Aaron: We’re seeing a downward trend in the formation of new email groups and the continuation of older ones. The social networking sites have definitely had an impact, and that is both good and bad. The good is obvious, in that communication is more open among teens of all orientations. The bad can include isolation from the real world, cyberbullying, the loss of social aptitude, etc. However, the misuse of those venues has in some cases lead students to join email groups or to form groups.

BL: Okay, your shot at me, what have I NOT covered that you feel ought to be discussed?

Aaron: Since it’s that time of year, I’ll mention National Coming Out Day. For several years, we’ve had basically the same message on our site concerning NCOD. I’ll insert a portion of the October 3 entry on our News/Updates page:

On October 11, 1987 the original National AIDS Quilt was unfurled in Washington, DC during a half-million-strong equality march and rally. Each year since then, October 11 has been designated by the Human Rights Campaign as National Coming Out Day. Because this year's NCOD will be on Sunday, school-related activities and observances will take place on Monday the 12th

Each year at this time LGBT people who are not out are challenged by various slogans, such as "stop living a lie and instead be true to yourselves and others" and "live open, genuine, authentic lives." Those concepts are very tempting, but we encourage caution.

For teens, we strongly advise that if you're not out at home, don't come out at school just to please people who are promoting NCOD. If you come out at school, your parents will find out. You know your home situation and you have a good idea of what will happen. If you're sure you're ready to come out to your family, do that before October 11, and then get their input on your coming out at school -- on National Coming Out Day or any other day. If you come out to your parents, please direct them to our For Parents page.

We embrace unity and a sense of community among GLBTQI people, and we believe that as members of our generation quietly and peacefully find our places within that community we will help to weaken the stereotypes that make people reluctant to come out, even to themselves.

Regarding another topic, I want to point out that at the time that I considered and planned suicide, seven years ago, I was taking an antidepressant of the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) class. Studies now show that the SSRI drugs can contribute to teen and young adult suicidal thoughts and tendencies. It’s very important that the parents of any teen who is prescribed those drugs are aware of the possible side effects.

BL: Thank you for your time.

Aaron: My pleasure!